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We've all been there: a colleague questions your approach in a meeting, and suddenly your shoulders tense, your jaw tightens, and your brain scrambles for the perfect comeback. But here's the thing—reacting defensively in that moment rarely helps. The real power move? Pausing to ask one curious question before you respond. This simple shift transforms tension into clarity and keeps everyone moving forward.
Why Defensiveness Strikes Fast (and Why That Matters)
Defensiveness is one of the quickest emotions you'll experience at work. It surges through you before your rational brain has time to catch up, pushing you to protect yourself rather than understand the situation. The moment you notice that familiar feeling—the crossed arms, the racing thoughts, the urge to snap back—you've already done the hardest part: you've caught yourself.
This self-awareness is your first win. But the next step is what separates reactive responses from thoughtful ones. Instead of letting that defensive feeling dictate your next move, you can choose curiosity. Curiosity acts like a circuit breaker: it interrupts the emotional current and creates space for clearer thinking. It turns a closed door into a cracked window—air gets in, the temperature drops, and suddenly you can think straight again.
The One Question Rule That Changes Everything
Here's the pattern: when you feel defensive, commit to asking one curious question before you say anything else. That single question becomes your speed bump. It slows down your reaction, gives you time to process what's actually happening, and signals to others that you're open to dialogue rather than combat.
The beauty of this approach is its simplicity. You don't need a complex strategy or hours of training. You just need to pause and ask. That moment of curiosity protects you from saying something you'll regret and helps you respond to the actual issue rather than your emotional reaction to it.
Questions That Actually Work
Not all questions are created equal. The most effective ones are genuinely open and signal that you want to understand, not argue. Try these:
- 'Can you say more about what you're seeing?'
- 'What part worries you most?'
- 'What outcome do you have in mind?'
- 'Help me understand your perspective here?'
These questions do three things simultaneously: they buy you time to calm down, they surface the real issue beneath the surface tension, and they invite collaboration. They shift the conversation from confrontation to exploration. Most importantly, they're easy to remember in the heat of the moment.
The Long-Term Payoff: Better Relationships, Less Stress
This habit isn't just about surviving one awkward meeting. Over time, choosing curiosity over defensiveness saves hours of cleanup work. You'll have fewer misunderstandings, fewer side arguments that pull you away from the actual work, and more forward momentum. You protect your professional relationships whilst finishing projects with significantly less stress.
Think of it like this: a curious question is like Wi-Fi for your brain—suddenly the connection improves and information starts flowing again. You stop operating in isolation and start collaborating with the people around you. That's when the best work happens.
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